Today I had to pretend to be a grown-up at some appointments, so I figured I should dress the part. For my first meeting I put on another of my dresses bought second hand from eBay under the $20 including postage rule. The brand is Mixit and if you’re interested in seeing how it’s supposed to look, check it out here. I’ve always assumed it to be decorated with a leaf pattern but when I posted it to social media this morning, the charming Rodney asked if they were vaginas. Now that’s all I can see when I look at it.

I teamed my vagina dress with a short-sleeved jacket I found at the Werribee Plaza Vinnies last year, and another pair of modest beige granny shoes – bought at the same Blackburn Salvos as my lace-up pair. I try not to dwell on the idea that these shoes might have come from a deceased estate. You shouldn’t dwell on that either.

On my way to that first appointment it dawned on me that I might have made a terrible mistake as I felt the dress twist around my body and the lining disappear up around my waist. By the time I arrived I was thoroughly distracted and very self-conscious and had to disappear into the loos to deal with my wardrobe malfunction. I fixed it with a few firm yanks and successfully fooled people into believing I was a grown-up for one short hour.

This is where your first Frocktober bonus kicks in as I reveal that today you get two dresses for the price of one! In between appointments, in a car park somewhere in Hoppers Crossing, I shimmied out of the vagina dress and slipped into something more comfortable.

I bought this frock at some random op shop a few years ago and realised way too late that it’s a maternity dress and while it’s nice and boobular in the cleavage area, it’s shapeless everywhere else. This of course makes it way more comfy than the vagina dress. I wore the same jacket (to give the frock some shape) and put on some flat white shoes that pretty sure I’m paid $2 for on eBay. That outfit saw me through another two appointments and a walk to the bike shop dragging my broken bike.

So has anyone spotted the dead giveaway that I’m not actually a grown-up, despite the camouflage suggesting I am? That’s right, it’s my trusty side ponytail. When will I learn?

If you want to look like a grown-up yourself, I suggest you leave behind your side ponytail and your vagina dress and instead consider donating some of your hard-earned money to support research into ovarian cancer.